Hilda Steps In

Dear Mr. Bitch:

I am Hilda Jackson, the wife of "Big Dawg".

Yesterday evening, right after we finished shaving the cat like we do every Wednesday night, Big Dawg suffered a minor stroke that left him paralyzed in one arm (his good one, unfortunately). It has also slurred his speech so his "tr's' now sound like "f's", which makes it impossible for him to pronounce words like "truck" without causing us public embarrassment.

I think the good news from your generous offer was so overwhelming that Big Dawg's weak heart was affected. Now he just sits in front of the TV set, gurgling while he watches Judy Woodruff on CNN. We hope and pray that his condition will be temporary, and he will return to good health soon.

For now, I will be the one you should speak to. Please call me "Snoop Dawg", so I can recognize your messages as legitimate and sincere. You should continue refer to yourself as "Little Bitch" like my husband wanted (although I think just "Bitch" is fine, if that's what you prefer). I think it is very important for a woman to honor the wishes of her man, as I'm sure you'll agree, and this is what Big Dawg wanted.

I would be happy to fill out the application you mentioned if you will send it to me again. Unfortunately, when Big Dawg had his stroke he was sitting at the computer. He collapsed, and his nose fell right down on to the delete button. We lost most of his files. I always told him to back up his hard drive, but he'd always say "What's going to happen? You think I'll have a stroke and my nose will hit the delete button?" Life is ironic, isn't it?

Big Dawg told me a little about you, and I am most impressed that someone of your high position would trust us with such an important transaction. Seeing as how you know a lot about us, since you took the time to find us for this great honor, I'd like to know a little more about you too. The settlement from the milk truck accident left us fairly well off. My neighbor, Gladys Cravits, is always telling me to get to know the people better I do business with. I think that's good advice, don't you?

So anyway, when you send me the application, could you tell me a little about yourself, like:

1. How many children do you have, and their ages.

2. Is your wife alive or dead? (I assume you are married. You don't prefer to have sex with other men, do you? It's okay if you do, I try to be open minded, but I wouldn't want my neighbors to find out.)

3. What is your favorite color?

4. Do you have any hobbies?

Also, it would mean so much to Big Dawg if you could say some inspirational words in your next email to help him feel better. He has so much respect for you.

Yours very truly,

Snoop Dawg

Phil Jackson is the Author of the TimeShift Trilogy. His books are available at Amazon.com: